Sweet baby Samuel

Last year I blogged about how everyone hits their Ugandan wall- it is inevitable; everyone who comes to this place has a moment where they want out. Last summer I hit my African wall after not being able to get a cup of coffee. I cried…over coffee. I wish I could say that coffee brought me to tears again this year but I am not that fortunate.

On Monday July 19, 2010 at approximately 8:30 am. I stood in front of a class of 60, S3 (10/11th grade) students and wept. In my six years of teaching I have never openly cried in front of a class but today my I lost control.

This year there are only four women in the T/EX program that are mature (over 30): Jen, Lisa, Catherine, and me. We decided that we were to old for communal living and cold showers and we were going to treat ourselves to a day of luxury and pampering. We strategically planned our day for Sunday because the remaining group members would be touring St. Jude’s Orphanage. The four of us opted out of St. Jude’s since we already spend a sizable amount of time there weekly. It was perfect- we wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feeling by not extending an invite and we also wouldn’t miss out on a new adventure. The mature women departed the house around 10:00; our first stop was the Acholi Inn for a swim. We then moved to Boma for pedis, massages, and girl talk about life, love, and anything else we deemed important. The day was progressing just as planned. Pure relaxation. I had my pedi first and went in for my massage around 2:00. Our group was scheduled to arrive at St. Jude’s also around 2:00.

After the massage I took a hot shower and was egger to discuss the “full body” aspect of the massage with the ladies. They do a full frontal massage- it was actually pretty awesome ☺ but I was greeted with sorrowful faces.

The events I missed at St. Jude’s while I was getting a massage:

2:00- group arrives at St. Jude’s
Shortly after two someone mentions that a baby fell
About five minutes later someone realizes that the baby fell down a well
A few minutes later the baby is being pulled from the well and CPR begins
Americans frantically attempt to resuscitate the baby
Americans, after very little direction from the Ugandans, take the baby in their vehicle to the hospital
Hospital staff moves at a snails pace while Americans scream and run around looking for a doctor.
Shortly after 3:00 baby Samuel is declared dead
*I don’t feel that there is a need to rehash the last hour of his life in specific detail but I am selfish and glad that I wasn’t there to witness the events.

While I was getting a massage baby Samuel lost his life and my friends, despite their best efforts failed to save him. I am saddened in a way that I cannot describe. I am sad that I don’t know which baby he was- there are over 80 kids at St. Jude’s and although I play with them all on a regular basis I haven’t successfully learned all their names. I won’t likely be able to figure out exactly who he was until I scan their faces and see who is missing. I am sad for the other children who witnessed the loss- they have already lost so much. I am sad for my girls empowerment group, will it suffer because of this unfortunate accident? I feel for my group members who had to witness his death and those who tried and failed to save him. I am angry that the death of a child elicits almost no reaction from Ugandans because it is so common. I am angry at myself for feeling so sorry for myself.

I have hit my African wall. I am ready to come home. I am ready to go back to my easy life and not have to deal with death anymore.

As I stood in front of my class today in their classroom literally made of sticks I lost it. My sadness, frustration, and exhaustion overtook me and I wept without embarrassment or shame for myself and baby Samuel.

I have more to write but I’m heading to St. Jude’s to play with babies and pretend like yesterdays events never happened…